Battle

I woke up this morning in darkness. Restless sleep. Disturbing dreams. So cold. So dark.

The winter is coming.

I’ve been trying to let go of the guilt and pressures I put on myself and instead to simply trust in God for everything. I must simply trust and obey. Trust and Obey. I stopped four or five times this weekend just to get away and pray for this. I’ve had some wins.

But apparently this morning the battle is not over.

I have just ended a relationship in which I was very judgmental and extremely hurtful toward a good girl. And my friends and I just moved into a new house and we have the chance to start anew. I have a chance to leave the old sins and my old self in the past and try again.

But this morning, with the remnant longings of strange sexual dreams, the lonely darkness, and residual guilt, I did not trust, nor obey. I feel like I have let myself and my friends down and defiled the house.

The heaviness clings tightly to me. I am in heavy battle, and am losing. My soul is fading. The light and warmth seems impermanent and far away.

But as I drove to work, the sky began to lighten.

I realized that the sun rises every morning. He has orchestrated the world so that nothing we can do can keep the sun from rising every day. Give us our daily bread. Every day. Rest in His forgiveness. Every day. His mercies are new. Every morning. His compassions never fail. The battle is not yours, He says. Put your cares on me and simply trust and obey. Every day. Trust me and obey.

Raw Spoon