A few nights ago I was wondering why fantasizing is wrong. And I realized it’s because I’m not the only one who has to deal with what I bring into my heart.
My heart has a roommate.
Once I thought about it like that, and started picturing God there, I felt quite different about a lot of things. The white lies I say to impress, and this little haughty attitude I put on sometimes, and the silent naughty fantasies all feel like I’m throwing garbage on the floor. Garbage on the carpet by where my roommate, who totally has his shit together, is hanging out.
I thought about those little white lies, which I had done so my outside looked good. But now it just seemed like I had placed a gaudy, gold-plated statue that was really out of place right there on the shelf. And it totally ruined the Feng Shui. I could just kind of tell both Jesus and I would rather it not be there.
And that haughty, prideful attitude just seemed silly to hold onto next to the person who knit me together in my mother’s womb.
And fantasies felt like I would be really just bringing a prostitute into the room with Him and trying to ignore he was there.
And each time I felt a call to be rid of it, and a call to be something bigger. Something and someone not swayed by the world’s standards of cool or its fruitless desires.
And then I noticed there was anger for someone there, that I felt totally justified in having before. But both God and I knew it was just contaminating this place. And I felt like he said, take it out on me for I can take it and I am the author of their story too, and you must trust me with yours. I will discipline them if they need it. Take it out on me.
And I imagined myself shove him back really hard. And I just started punching him like a punching bag. Rapid fire punch punch punch. And he silently took it. And then as I started to cry he wrapped me in his arms because I was already leaning so far into him.
And he took it and he loved me. And he comforted me as my heart broke. And he said, “Those things you want to cleave to in this world, feel those desires but use them to cleave to me.”
And stuff like that just makes me want to spend more time inside, in the quiet, peaceful place with my heart’s ancient roommate. The one who deserves all my devotion. The one who knows when I get up and lay down and who hems me in ahead and behind. My tender heart’s keeper. My original love.
Raw Spoon, 7-4-17
