Moses stopped climbing. Breathing hard, he put his hand on his knee and looked up. In the dusk he could still see light flickering on the rocks, like a fire came from somewhere ahead of him.
He looked down at the distance he had climbed. "Really though? A mountain? At my age?" He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and let his breath out in almost a B whimper. He summoned what felt like nearing his last bit of energy, and continued upward, battling the chaotic wind.
A few minutes later he stopped again. He glanced backwards again, this time down at the camp in the valley below. The vast grid of tents. Oh how the people had tested his patience for so many years. It had been so hard to lead these stubborn people.
And so, so lonely, he thought. Many of them who came from Egypt with him had died, but among them most resented him for growing up in the royal Egyptian household or taking them into the wilderness.
He continued his labored hiking.
Many of the younger ones had a heart to follow God, but none of them understood how Egypt had changed him. "God, why such a lonely life for me? Haven't I served you well?" The memory of striking the rock for water and yelling at the people hit him; he was so mad at them. Perhaps he hadn't served God well.
He stopped again in the shade of an overhang, tucked away from the harsh wind. He breathed deeply and leaned his arms on his cane, and head on his arms.
They were finally here, at the edge of the promised land. He knew he should be excited about this. But he was just tired. If he made it off this mountain he would mount the battles it would take to conquer the Promised Land, if the Lord asked him to. "But Lord, this life has been long," He took a deep breath. "And hard. There is not much left that I long to see."
He saw the flicker of light on a rock face again; it drew him upward. "Lord, why do you elude me? I just want... I just want to sit. I want to sit with you."
He wiped his eyes and then his sweating brow. He took a drink of water.
"Come and see, Moses.” He heard the voice he recognized so well. “Follow me.”
He scrambled to move forward. Being so close to Him, something in Moses moved him to remove his hood. The sun was low enough now he would not burn. Moses’s cane hit the ground and clattered down a few paces below him.
But Moses stepped forward. He closed his eyes.
He heard again, "Come and see, Moses."
Moses stepped again on the sliding gravel, and caught himself with his hands; it was steep. His scarf fell in front of him but he did not wrap it back around him like usual. It thrashed in the wind.
He just continued stepping upward, feeling with his hands.
The peeled off his outer garments. He could now see the summit. His eyes darted from rock to rock. He kept thinking he saw the light of a flickering flame flashing on the rocks.
"Where are you? Where are you? Don't leave me!"
He dipped his head to summon the last of his energy.
He heard, "Come and see, my friend."
He closed his eyes again and stepped out of his sandals and he walked towards the voice. A few paces from the summit he collapsed to his knees, but perhaps it was more for the holiness he felt surrounding him than his exhaustion. He was close.
He lowered his gaze as he crawled to the summit. He felt the presence all around him. "Lord, I long to gaze upon you, but I fear I will die."
"Are you afraid of that, even now, Moses?"
Moses thought a moment and then shook his head. Then he lifted it slowly, eyes still closed. The chilled wind of the mountain peak thrashed past his body. But he felt a comforting warmth like the sun surrounding him on all sides.
"Now look, my friend. Look what I have to show you."
Moses hesitantly opened his eyes. There was a keen shimmer of light dancing on the rocks around him. God was indeed here. He had never felt him so big and so near. His heart was pounding with fear, but a joy and love greater than that compelled him.
"Look, Moses. For the Promised Land is below you."
"Do I have to?"
"You do not want to?" There seemed to be a smile in the voice that resonated in the air around him. The same voice that would often resonate in his heart in the tent of meeting.
His eyes darted at every moving light around him, breathless "I have never seen you like this before."
"You are about to see me, my friend."
"Will I die?"
"Would you want to see me still?"
Without hesitation he blurted, "Yes, my father and my God. I do."
"First I must show you the promised land." There was a pause. "Look out beyond this place, to the valleys below."
Moses summoned his strength to obey and looked out from the mountain peak. The valleys stretched out below him, separated by hills and littered with clumps of shrubs and farmed land. Smoke from cities peppered the horizon. He could see a large body of water on the furthest edge of the horizon.
"All that will be theirs." The voice said.
"Okay."
"Are you sad that you will not see what you have strived so long for?"
As the voice waited, Moses looked out again at the vast stretches of land. "I am not, Lord."
"Why not, dear friend?"
"I don't want to leave this place, Lord. Please don't make me leave you."
"Do you know why I cannot allow you to enter that land?"
"You can tell me if you wish, Lord."
"It is because you struck the rock, when I told you only to speak to it. For they might think I am a god of anger. Instead of--"
"Of patience. Oh Lord please have patience on me. I am so, so sorry."
Moses pleaded toward the dirt. "I would do anything to take that back now."
"Why is that, Moses?"
Moses' forehead touched the ground, "Because I fear you will say I cannot stay here with you."
The voice did not answer for a long time. Then it said, "My friend, look up."
Moses slowly lifted his head from the gravel. Only now did he notice an opening like a cave from which the bright flames flickered.
"There you are!" Moses gasped and moved to start crawling towards it. "May I see you, Lord?"
"Your human body will indeed die, my friend."
"Yes, yes, please." He began to crawl to it. "I am ready."
"Moses," the voice paused. "Did I give you a lonely life?"
He slowed for a moment and looked down. "Yes, Lord. No one has seen all I have been through."
"Not One?"
Moses looked up slowly at the cave. A smile crept across his face. Tears fell from his eyes. "I have spoken untruth. There has been One. And only One." He continued crawling, the opening to the cave being only a few paces away now.
As Moses approached the opening and saw the edges of the licking flames coming from the cave, and felt the warmth he longed to be warmed by, a new wave of regret flowed over him. His forehead fell to the ground again. "Lord, I am impure. I have sinned. I did not trust many times. I moved in anger often." He fell flat to his stomach and spoke into the dirt, "This sin-filled body cannot approach you." His body shook with sobs.
As his body shook, the voice said, "Yes, dear friend. I am near. Let it out. Purge it from your heart. I will purify you. I will not forsake you."
And after his body had purged the regret and sorrow and he was still again, Moses heard the voice. "Ask me, my friend, the question you have for me."
Moses took a breath like a baby after a long cry in his mother's arms. He knew the question. But was afraid to ask.
"Ask it, my friend. Ask it my dear friend."
"I am afraid."
"Come closer, you can whisper it to me. It's okay."
Moses dragged his body to the edge of the opening, though he was not yet ready to look up fully and see the flame.
"Ask me, Moses. I long to tell you."
Moses let one more sob come out of him. "Lord..." Moses sat up with his hands on his knees, but head still bowed.
"Ask me."
Moses took a deep, breath, as if the most important moment was in the balance. "Lord," he began again. "Are you delighted in me?"
He felt two warm hands cradle his chin and lift his head, but Moses kept his eyes closed.
"I Am."
Moses felt sweet breath on his face.
"Open your eyes, Moses."
Moses slowly, hesitantly opened them. And as he did he saw a middle-aged man with a kind smile. He glowed as if energy was constantly surging from him. Light arched from his body in shapes Moses had thought were flames.
Moses held his gaze as if everything in his life hinged on holding onto this. The man's entire face held a smile. "I am, my friend. I'm so delighted in you." The voice said, also carrying deep joy. "Will you join me for a meal?"
They moved into what was just a very small cave in the rock, just enough to shelter them from the wind. It had a view of the land below.
Moses looked down and there was a piece of unleavened bread and small cup of wine between them. "Try this." The man lifted the cup to Moses. Moses held his gaze as he drank and then ate with the man who mentioned, "This cleanses you. You will now only see your regrets as forces helping to finish the work I am doing in you."
—-
It says that God buried Moses on that mountain and that no one every found him. But if someone were to come across the old man's body, they’d find him sitting, slumped to the side against the wall as if he were leaning against the shoulder of a friend. And though this lookout displayed the entire valley below them, the one that Moses had led the people towards all his life, they would have seen Moses's face turned toward his friend as if whispering to him as he fell asleep.
---
Raw Spoon, February 3, 2025
These ideas were introduced by the writings of Ruth Haley Barton in her studies of Moses.
Comments