Last night I woke up from a dream where I was running away from some lion-like beast made of black billowing smoke which made its cheeks look like rotten cauliflower. But trust me, it was unsettling.
I have a lot of dreams like this. Running from aliens with mind powers or Russians with guns. But so far I’ve always slipped out of a window or something just before they find me.
I realized today that this is exactly how I feel about my sexual struggles. I am terrified that desires inside of me are stronger than me and will catch up with me and will ruin me. What would people think of me? Who will I hurt? What promises would I break. Who would I let down.
I’ve felt these impulses and desires inside me. They are strong. If there is anything that I fear, it is them. I’m afraid of who I am and who I could become.
But I wonder, is this how we’re really meant to live? I don’t want to run from who I’m afraid I really am or who I could become.
I read something today. It said that it is the enemy who is afraid of who I really am, and who I could become.
This totally turns the tables for us. If the one who is working against me sees something worth fearing in me, why should I be afraid?
And that reminds me that the battle is not my own. Neither is my body. I have been bought at a price. And because of that I can be more than I could be by myself. And the One who has bought me has big dreams of what he is making me into.
Lord, I want to be like Neo in that scene near the end of the original Matrix movie. When I sense the rotten ones close on my heels, instead of running faster and working harder to get away like I usually do I want to turn and confront them. I want to look at them for what they are, and understand them instead of just fear them. And as they fire their guns I will kneel in faith. And my enemies will realize I am not alone. And they will realize who I believe in and who it is that I trust will protect me. It was the one who they tried to kill back in Palestine, the pussy-footed troublemaker from despicable Nazareth. The one who completely turned the tables on them.
This is how I want to live. Not afraid. Walking daily with my captain in faith. And when my friends are willing to help, bring them into the battle to pray and fight with me. And I will help them.
And now I start to think that maybe the reason he attacks me and so many of my friends in sexual ways, is because he knows that if he can pervert that, he will avert the greatest tool for love and bonding that god has given us to give the one person who will be most dear to us when we are ready to love them. Maybe that is why my enemy haunts me with this. He’s afraid of the contagion it could spread through his kingdom when people see us really, deeply love each other, like our captain did when he let himself be captured as a ransom, but then stood up, broke all the shackles and proved the power of their selfish kingdom a sham in comparison to the love of His.
That is why I will not be afraid of myself. I can trust Him to lead me true.
(a lot of these thoughts came from “Surfing for god”, by Michael John Cusick. To know which ones, you have to read it)