Even after such a real encounter with God last week, again today I doubt that He even exists.
After praying with my friends yesterday, I realized that Will’s friend still has bone cancer, James’ sixth-month job search hasn’t even landed him an interview, and even after praying through this season of self-doubt, today I’m still feeling worthless. Why pray if there’s nobody listening?
A mentor once told me if you start to doubt the God that you understand, maybe He’s actually a lot bigger than you think.
When I remembered that, I begrudgingly took off my grumpy glasses and asked myself if there might be a reason He isn’t changing things? Are God’s plans maybe bigger than mine? Is God’s world bigger than the one I choose to live in?
It turns out, I choose to live in a shoe box.
I realized this when I remembered what my friend Daniel told me when I felt most worthless a few months ago. I asked him what value he sees in me, because I could find none for myself. He said, “I’m your friend because you understand brokenness. This helps you love other broken-hearted people better.” He later told me I had saved his life at least twice by just coming over and being with him on nights that were unbearably hard. It was natural for me. I guess I understand hard.
So, It turns out that despite my big dreams of being awesome my struggles are a big part of why I’m here.
I don’t know why there is cancer or unemployment, but now I’m guessing there’s a purpose and a story in things like this that are far bigger than I understand. It’s hard to trust there’s something outside of the little shoe boxes we live in. But I guess the first step in busting out into God’s world is really believing that it’s bigger than the one I’m in.