How often do I filter what’s really in my heart and instead say and do things that will make me look good and get me what I want?
This morning a temptation nonchalantly sauntered before me. As I considered it I recited the verse that told me not to do it.
I did it anyway.
And this, what I did when no one was watching, showed me what was really in my heart. Who I really serve. I tell myself that I do a lot of good things, but moments like this show me that right now I’m probably doing them really just to serve myself.
This week our water filter that attaches to our kitchen faucet gave up and threw itself head-first at the hard, metal drain at the bottom of the sink.
I don’t know what we’re gonna do! Our water is murky and brown without it! But then, my roommate told me we were supposed to have changed it two months ago! Who knows what other contaminants we were drinking and feeding to our friends through that desperately dying filter.
And so it makes me think. Is the deep well of my heart pure and clean water? Or am I desperately manipulating and filtering everything that comes out of me so it looks ok and quenches my immediate desires.
I think a lot of my struggles come from the stress of this constant manipulation. Social anxiety that taints my relationships. A handful of strange nervous ticks like staring at lights, and obsessively itching between my fingers. I’m beginning to see that maybe even my deepest seated psychoses have sprouted from the heavy duty I feel to keep my deepest fears from coming to fruition.
So maybe I should start looking at life a little differently. Maybe I should let what’s in my heart naturally come out, observe what is in there, and then surrender that to God. I’ll ask for help, trust him and do my best to obey his simple daily commands.
And the rest is up to him. The pressure is not mine. Not on my shoulders. And in due time I trust that the water in the well of my soul will become more pure and refined. And i can let it flow freely and water our thirsty generation without reserve. Without insecurity or moderation. Keep my eyes on my God and let him use the genuine man he’s making me into, and bring them pure, life-changing, water from a living spring inside my soul.