I’ve been praying down this prayer list I have for a couple months now. Not that that’s bad but I’ve been wondering why I just don’t feel God in it very much.
But today I got to the line-item where I had written, “God, help me use my sexual discipline as a way to love you.”
And I realized there was a big solid barrier I had put up around my heart. If I were to really apply more healthy discipline in that area (like not looking at skin-clad girls at the gym and putting a lock-down on little fantasies) I would actually have to change some stuff.
Stuff I don’t want to change.
And I realized that one of the real purposes of prayer was about to happen. There was a wall of unwillingness that God was knocking on. This was something that if it were removed, He knew I would be a happier human. And he was asking for me to let it down.
I realized that only I could let this wall come down, but I was leaning against it hard to keep it up. God wasn’t pushing, just knocking, but he was asking for me to stop pushing back.
I slid to the floor and knelt on my chair. This was hard. The main effort that was involved was to reverse the heavy lean I had in doing things I wanted, in the way I wanted. But as I put my heart to the task, it was weird, it was like I could feel my stubbornness lifting, almost just like if my body were leaning into the wall less and less. It took effort but there was definitely a type of release of pressure that was happening.
And I started to pray, “God, help me to want you more than I want that.” Over and over. After a minute or so I let the slow, thoughtful chant dwindle and then I got up and finished my prayer list.
But you know what? That day was a surprisingly good day as far as that area goes! And I felt like for that day whenever a temptation arose, I could sense in me the desire for. . . well, holiness, I guess. . . instead of the other stuff that I hadn’t even realized was giving me an underlying dirty feeling.
The transformative power of prayer kicks in when we let our heart be pushed over.
It’s a daily battle, and we each have our own flavor of sin that we’re drawn to. . . but I think I’ve gotten a glimpse of the true transformative power of prayer. My role is releasing all the lean I have against getting what I want, and letting that tender gentle knock, topple in my big, heavy, dark walls and open up my house to the bright sky.
Raw Spoon, 4-28-16
